This is dark… and won’t be for everyone… prepare…
If you are a ‘sex positive’ kinkster, gay man who cruises, gay guy who is on PrEP and having a jolly time – you will hate this and possibly hate me.
My disclaimer is this: I am also sex positive (maybe in a different way to you), I have also done the rounds (oh….. lots of rounds) in: sex clubs, cruising grounds, sex parties, saunas, dungeons, cruising cinemas (in Amsterdam) and a whole lot more.
I have lived the hedonism to the max so please respect my status as an Elder.
Yes. I really did say that.
If you don’t want to listen – don’t, but please leave the trolling out of it.
I have learned a few things over the decades.
There is a term in the gay male sex community that goes like this:
‘Breed me…. Breeding…. Breeding season….. let’s breed each other… ‘ and the like.
Some are porn film titles, some profile names on Grindr and some in messages sent to guys looking for a hook-up.
What. Are. We. Breeding?
This term started to be used many, many years ago just before barebacking became again normalised in the gay male community – way before PrEP.
It (the breeding terms) got much louder and more common as PrEP became very common and gay guys were comparing it to the pill in their argument to get it free on the NHS (in the UK).
After this – it went nuclear.
Breeding, that is.
Breeding is a bizarre term to use, right?
Unless we look at it in more subliminal, subconscious terms.
Again I ask:
What are we breeding?
In real terms – we are breeding STIs and other bacterial infections.
In literal terms would probably describe that more clearly.
But what about that subliminal subconscious? Is it driving gay men to ‘produce’ something, like some kind of silent driver of the need to procreate?
Are we making up for not wanting to / be able to procreate the species?
Yes. I really did say that.
I have wanted to say this for years but was too cowardly.
Look at your behaviour and look for the feeling beneath that behaviour.
I work with many clients in my therapy practice who are addicted to sex. The addiction is the symptom – so what is underneath it?
It is often one of, or two, of two things: 1. Anxiety that has a root cause not healed, and/or a deep need/want/desire that is unfulfilled by sex, despite the drive telling them that sex is the answer.
They keep chasing the dragon of sex to get ‘that’ feeling of completion that never truly manifests.
My belief, as I get longer in the tooth and wiser in the head – is that one of the underlying reasons for this phenomenon is reflected in the language we use associated with the behaviour:
‘Breed me…. Breeding…. Breeding season….. let’s breed each other… ‘
So, excuse my repetition but there is a reason for it:
‘What, exactly are we breeding?’
Do you want to breed an STI? Or do you want that (apparently) unobtainable offspring that would mean the opposite of the futile nature of your existence.
WAIT, stop, NO I am not saying at all that your existence is futile.
Seriously, friend, lean in: I am saying something deeply profound and very, very unpopular.
I am saying that your subconscious conditioning is telling you that unless you procreate and further the species you are not ‘as good’ as everyone else.
This links into something related but not – homophobia. More pertinently: internalised homophobia.
My final message to you is this:
Take this from a guy who has done exactly what you are doing, still slips up from time to time and is still on that journey towards full self-acceptance and safer external behaviour:
You, my friend, brother: are worth more than this.
So, when you are ready, you can and will stop chasing that dragon.
Settle.
Still.
With yourself.
For now.
Then all else will follow.
In Love, The London Sex Coach.
Need help? Bang that ‘Book Appointment’ button.
There is Power and Healing: in speaking the TruthTM
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